Monthly Archives: March 2014

3/20/2014 Session: “He’s the prettiest man I’ve ever seen…”

Missing – Stan [So you KNOW we’re gonna start some shit…]

As we last left the party, they had just returned to Otemshire triumphantly.  However, the town’s ticker tape supply was already used on Twila Moonraven, a bounty hunter that has harassed Myles in the past in search of Tyson “The Terrible” Alway.  Twila stands before a chanting crowd with a man that looks remarkably like Myles claiming that she has finally caught the infamous bandit, the only problem being that Myles is almost certain that the trembling, frail man in the stockade is not Tyson, despite his resemblance to our favorite fighter…

Cletus huffs in anger as “his moment” is stolen by Twila.  Myles rides up aside him, waving to the crowd.  [Paul wants only to roll to intimidate the weasel, but flubs the roll vs. Cletus as usual…] Having no daggers, he places a hard piece of bread in Cletus’ ribs and tells him that they need to get the prisoner alone to ask him a few questions.  The wimpy sheriff sits upright in his saddle before noticing the object in his side is remarkably dull.  He brushes Myles’ hand aside and says that he “will do no such thing” as he rides a bit more extravagantly through the streets of Otemshire hoping to steal some attention from the buxom bounty hunter.

Turns out that Twila is quite well... "equipped"

Turns out that Twila is quite well… “equipped”

After a dual-purpose celebration, the party eventually corners Cletus in an alleyway where Myles again tries to convince him to get “Tyson” away from Twila so they can ask him some

Although Cletus doesn't die like the guy in this gif.

Although Cletus doesn’t die like the guy in this gif.

questions, but Cletus belligerently says no.  Barundar cold cocks him upon Myles’ request and knocks one of Cletus’ front teeth out.  Cletus begins to see things Myles’ way and they agree to accompany Cletus to “Tyson” in the stockade to discuss things with him.  Barundar picks Cletus’ tooth from his knuckles and gives it back to the sheriff half-apologetically.   As they leave, a mass of people are cheering their success at clearing the evil out of the Badlands and Myles throws his arm around Cletus and leads the crowd in cheering Cletus’ accomplishments to rub in the fact that he’s now got a gap in his teeth and can’t show the crowd his pearly whites.  While many of the townsfolk cheer Cletus, the remaining soldiers from the raiding party invariably cheer the party.

Cletus walks to Twila and says through pursed lips that, as the sheriff, he must ownership take the prisoner.  This makes Twila upset but she relents and Cletus escorts “Tyson” to the guard tower, picking up Myles (who was hiding from Twila) on the way.

Amon goes up to woo Twila by conjuring an illusionary rose which she subsequently crushes in her hands saying, “this gesture is as empty as your words…” before attempting to get past him.  Jack and Winston block her way by taking up the whole road.

Amon Charms Person on Twila and [to everyone’s – including Amon’s – great surprise] finds success!  She spins on her feet and is completely enthralled by Amon’s exotic charms.

Smooth moves are not Amon's strong suit.

Smooth moves are not Amon’s strong suit.

[This eventually leads Matt to tell the group about his roommate – the most handsome man in the world – who makes lesbians turn straight and melts the hearts of all the ladies in Matt and Cameron’s cozy, fishing town leaving Matt and Cameron to serve as lampreys, picking up scraps that escape his chiseled jaws.  But, also, Matt has a refrigerator that functions specifically for kegs of beer and has taps through the side, so that’s pretty badass…]

Meanwhile across town, Myles confronts “Tyson”.  The man says he is from Pelor and is a simple tradesman named Willem.  He explains that Twila seduced him as he traveled to Redmark before throwing him in handcuffs and taking him to Otemshire.  Myles looks to Cletus and urges the sheriff to release the man – which [of course] he doesn’t.  Myles turns to Willem and says, “there’s just one thing I can’t make sense of…” as he rips off his mask and revealing that he, too, shares the same face [NicCageFace].

Willem doesn't seem TOO upset about the whole "seducing" part of the story.

Willem doesn’t seem TOO upset about the whole “seducing” part of the story.

Despite her grinding him in the town square, Amon is too nervous to seal the deal with Twila.  He instead takes her to the bar to get a drink at the bar.  Amon spends the time having a serious moral dilemma about whether or not to sleep with her.  He recalls the earlier courses in Wizard College where they taught the Crippohatic Oath which instructs magic uses to abstain from using mind control to pick up [ie, rape] chicks.  Twila practically throws herself on Amon in the middle of the bar.

Twila isn't very subtle.

Twila isn’t very subtle.

A full hour passes and Twila is in mid-sentence, cavorting about with Amon, when a switch flips in her and she completely sobers up and says, “….Where am I?” Amon tries to save the moment, his oath and ethical dilemma falling by the wayside, “Bu-bu-but…. you told me all about your childhood!  I want to help!”  Twila goes through the “morning after” phase [like after you’re blackout drunk and memories take a while to come back] and begins remembering all of the stupid things she’s done and said in the last hour.

Darius maneuvers behind the bewildered – and massively embarrassed – Twila and places his crossbow to the back of her head.  He clicks a bolt into place and says, “I want to help you too… get out of town right now and we won’t have any trouble…”  Twila recognizes Darius and utters, “…Damn you McFoggle…” before standing, straightening [and probably refastening] her skirt and calmly walking out the door [in the painfully obvious rage her gender can muster].

Back in the guard tower, Myles compares life notes with Willem.  The two quickly discover that they have the same birthday and were both raised by “uncles”.  Darius arrives to inform them that Twila has been “dealt with”.  Myles informs him that he’s just in time to help negotiate with Cletus for their reward for saving Otemshire.  Cletus explains that the city brings in a modest amount of gold (several 8-10 thousand sp per month before taxes).

The party spends some time discussing options before deciding to negotiate for; 1) Otemshire to become a safe haven for them in their adventures, and 2) for a nice boat with which they can travel up the coast more quickly.  Cletus agrees but says that releasing Willem will cause an issue for him with the now execution-giddy populous.  He says that, if the party manages to bring back the real Tyson, he can not only provide the party their reward for clearing the Badlands, but also would be able to sweeten the pot.  Myles realizes that the only person who has been on the trail of Tyson is Twila…

What more do a group of adventurers really need?

What more do a group of adventurers really need?

Darius rushes across town to confront Twila and manages to corner her with Barundar and Amon closing off her escape path.  Darius gets her attention and tells her that they share a common interest in catching Tyson.  Darius insinuates that she knew that the man she brought in was not Tyson by bringing up the oddity that she was able to confront “Tyson” in Redmark [when she sent thugs after the party] and Pelor just outside of within only a few weeks…  Darius suggests that Twila follow him to see for herself.

Twila accompanies Darius, Barundar and Amon back to the guard tower.  She walks in the room and sees Willem still in manacles and an unmasked Myles siting in front of him.  [Twila says “WTF”, Myles says “IKR?!”] Myles eventually convinces Twila to join the group in trying to find Tyson.  She tells them that she was tracking down leads in Dahryst when she came across Willem and brought him uneventfully to Otemshire.  The party and Twila agree to set out at first light.

Myles spends the evening filling Willem in on his family life with Ravella, explaining that, “The adventuring like doesn’t leave a lot of time for ‘family life’ or ‘love’ or ‘child care’.”  Despite Willem’s protests, Myles tells him to play off any inconsistencies in his memory as knocks to the head from adventuring deep in the Badlands.  Myles walks Willem to the door of his old house, knocks and runs away leaving New-Myles to meet and greet his “loving” wife.



After saying he was going to get supplies, Barundar covertly heads to the gem shop late in the afternoon.  He is greeted by a different dwarf employee than the old dwarf he and Myles encountered a few days ago and a specific gem Barundar was looking at is now gone.  Barundar asks for the old dwarf, Thraldren Gemsmith, who the employee, Gieli Greengem says is away on business.  Barundar lies, saying that Thraldran is an old friend, and asks what the old “rascal” is up to.  He is informed that Thraldran is in Nargrim (Barundar’s home town) taking a special gem for inspection. [No one else knows what’s going on, why this gem is important, or anything about what Matt’s got up his sleeve.]



Barundar describes the gem he sold to Thraldran and Gieli confirms that that is the gem he took to the guildmaster of the gemsmith guild in Nargrim.  Barundar checks the sale logs and notes that Thraldran didn’t write the special gem into the book and apparently left town right after.  [The curiosity burns!]

The party sets out the next morning and travels through the Badlands, they meet up with Guh-knoll [who is now chief of all gnolls] and get safe passage.  The party parts ways with their gnoll friends and arrives at the river separating the Badlands and Dahyrst and find a ferry crossing.  The river is about 150-200’ across and the ferryman is on the other side.  As the group calls out, Darius sees several arrows fly straight past him from behind.

The party spins around to find a group of elven archers led by a female warrior.  Barundar summons a Hail of Thorns on the leader, striking her and killing one of her troops.  Myles rushes across the battlefield and uses his action surge to attack, dropping the female warrior to the ground.

Darius cloaks into another plane of existence [rolling a 30, the highest roll ever in the campaign] and shoots and kills another archer.

Halflings always have that same shit-eating grin, even when they're being stone cold killers.

Halflings always have that same shit-eating grin, even when they’re being stone cold killers.

Amon [apparently not learning from his mistakes last week] runs forward and casts Burning Hands, killing two and severely burning another in the process.  Amon hears the last remaining elf cursing him in elvish before he sprints away into the woods.  Barundar rushes into the woods behind him to track him into the forest.

Myles turns his attention to the warrior clinging onto life who is lying on the ground spitting up blood and speaking in an ancient elven tongue about “human vermin… you do nothing but take… I hope one day this world destroys you…” before dying.

Myles inspects the bodies and finds;

180 sp – 36sp ea.

A potion that grants ADV on INIT after consuming – Amon takes

Barundar finally catches up to the elf in the forest and shoots him in the leg.  He tracks the trail of blood into a clearing.  As he approaches the elf, dozens of arrows shoot into the ground at his feet.  Barundar freezes, saying, “Ah fuck…” As he realizes that he’s completely surrounded by 30-50 elven warriors.  Looking up he sees houses in the trees and surmises that he’s likely in the center of a militant elf encampment.


I’ve made a HUGE mistake…

3/13/2014 Session: “I’m high on light!” or “Amon (almost) succumbs to peer pressure”

Participants: Everyone!

When we last left the party, they had just reached the center of the Badlands, defeated a couple of demented gargoyles, Darius narrowly avoiding death and explored a strange, desecrated temple…

Ash looks around the building and realizes that this building is the exact location of many of the legends he had heard while training, an abbey erected hundreds or thousands of years ago to house things of great power.  He recalls stories about there being a number of such structures scattered about the land.

Every few minutes, the ground underneath the party’s feet shakes a bit and energy rises through the walls, briefly lighting up runes in the walls and surging into the air above.  This energy seems to be pooling above the building, creating the storm above the abbey.

Amon and Ash are both intently inspecting the floors for a source of the trembling as they search through the rooms.  The two [each rolling 1’s] bonk heads right as the next power surge comes up and they miss it.  Amon tells the group that, with each surge, he feels a wave of ecstasy pass through his body.  Through shudders, stammers and heavy breath, Amon explains that this likely means that the power surges are great waves of arcane power.


After checking that he’s flaccid and his pants are clean, Amon searches for the power surge.  He’s led to the room with the stairwell and the party descends into the darkness, Winston leading the way, dual wielding torches.

The party is greeted by a pair of shut doors.  As Jack pulls out his lockpicking tools, Amon begins to grind against the door, rubbing the runes with his fingers.  He traces over a complex symbol just as Jack is about to begin poking around on the door.  His finger tracing proves profitable and the door unlocks.  Amon wanders into the chamber in a haze as the power has begun to build in the catacombs.  Myles attempts to grab him but Amon slips out of his hands.

After a discharge of energy [throughout which Amon wails in pleasure, much to everyone else’s disgust…] Ash, eyes averted from the pelvic-thrusting Wizard, notices that the life sized crucifix statues along the walls have glowing eyes that change colors [like LEDs].  In his altered state, Amon reaches out and touches one of the statue’s eyes and a slight jolt of energy courses through his body.  He pulls a dagger and begins prying the eye loose from the statue.

Qian Ban scouts ahead and finds a few more doors.  As Amon pries the eye loose, a blast of energy fills the hallway and he takes heavy [for a wizard…] damage [but receives ADV on an attack and a free spell recharge in return for essentially mainlining arcane energy].  Darius informs the group that when the energy shot out into Amon, all of the statues  throughout the hallway also shot beams of light out of their eyes.


Amon – 1 small gem [Nathan did not assign a value]

Jack unlocks a door to a store room and inside the party finds normal goods and provisions and 180sp.  As the bulk of the party searches the room, the energy discharges.  Darius was standing guard in the hallway and got caught by some of the energy for minor damage.


180sp – 36sp each

As the party moves on, Ash and Amon approach the next door.  [Amon rushes ahead the rest of the group but explains, “I’m high on light right now!”]  Myles proceeds down the hallway and catches sight of a room full of skeletons that appear to have crystalline veins and muscles, some of the skeletons are half-melded into the walls.  Myles springs into action and attacks one of the skeletons that was set into the wall, severing one of its arms.  Amon rushes past and throws out a thunderwave, striking Myles and shattering many skeletons, sending them all flying [and alerting the entire dungeon to the group’s presence].


Barundar runs through the cacophony and attacks both of the remaining skeletons with his scimitars, killing one.  As the last skeleton goes to attack Barundar, it lurches forth and impales itself on Barundar’s extended scimitar, killing itself [after rolling a 1].  Darius, never one to miss out on getting his [and many others’] share of killing things, runs up with crossbow raised just as the combat ends.

Barundar and Myles then move to the South and shove open a door, revealing a loose clay and dirt floor with cobblestone tiles.  The group rushes in to avoid another discharge.  Myles stops next to a large hole and a giant snake jumps out at him!

Myles’ quick reflexes serve him well as he strikes out and hits the snake and also performs a dirty trick, granting the next physical attack on the snake ADV to attack.  Amon hits with magic missile and Barundar slings a bolt into the snake’s brain, leaving its corpse to slide back into its hole.  Darius again runs up to the fight right after the fight ends [prompting speculation that, at level 4, Darius will likely be taking the “Alert” feat to avoid missing killing opportunities due to shitty initiative rolls].

The party continues down the hallway and finds another snake hole, Myles takes the opportunity to lob a Molotov cocktail of lamp oil at the snake, igniting him in flames.  Ash rushes down and piles on the fireworks with a Sacred Flame.

[Cameron waffles for a moment on whether or not to “just” cast his ranged cantrip or approach the snake and cast shocking grasp… Everyone chimes in that using a spell slot doesn’t seem like that bad of an idea and push Cameron to move Amon into range.  As Cameron is soon to find out, peer pressure is a fickle bitch.]

Amon bravely walks up to the flaming snake in order to perform shocking grasp.  Unfortunately, the snake writhes around in pain from the flamess and Amon is unable to grasp its target.  Darius shoots the snake with his crossbow before hiding.

The snake strikes out at Amon [and crits!], dropping him to the ground dealing massive damage on the bite and through poison [dropping Amon to -15 out of a potential -16 points before instant death…] Barundar uses his turn to stabilize Amon as Myles launches himself over the Amon’s near-lifeless body to decapitate the snake.

"Just say no" is Amon's new motto.

“Just say no” is Amon’s new motto.

"The Scream" by Cameron

“The Scream” by Cameron

The party takes a short rest to recover [and discovers after playing with it for 4 months that the latest playtest packet has revised this time to an hour].

They proceed South and find a sinkhole seemingly caused by a massive root system.  Darius ties ropes together and descends over 70’ into the hole.  Barundar climbs down as well and, using his climbers kit, ascends the other side and finds what looks like the hallway from earlier.  Behind a locked door he finds that the hallway continues to the West.  Crucifixes again line the walls, eyes glowing in the darkness.4

The party continues on and finds a set of double doors.  Barundar and Myles rush forward and kick in the doors as quickly as possible to avoid the statue’s blasts which are now coming more often.

The doors break in and the party finds themselves standing outside a large antechamber.  Three evil-looking paladins, two acolytes and a priest stand before a sarcophagus performing a ritual that is creating energy waves.

Myles and Barundar's heroism quickly fades...

Myles and Barundar’s heroism quickly fades…

Ash cries out in shock that the paladins present are supposed to be the guards and that the priest and acolytes should be tending and protecting this site, not performing dark rites.

The party rushes in and Darius bloodies one of the paladins with one shot from his crossbow.  Ash summons the [phallic] hammer of Lathander to bash in the evil beasts.  The dark paladins march forward and attack Myles and Barundar.  Myles deflects an attack and causes the paladin to strike down one of his comrades [“COUNT IT!” Paul yells as he adds a kill to Myles’ kill count].

The intimidation was palpable as the paladins marched forth.

The intimidation was palpable as the paladins marched forth.

Darius continues his rampage and shoots another paladin as Ash blesses the party.  Barundar hacks at the wounded paladin with his scimitar.

The dark priest [anti-]blesses the enemies, but Myles and Amon make quick work bloodying the last remaining paladin.  However, a tainted acolyte steps forward and heals the paladin with necrotic energy.

Ash’s magic hammer finally finds its mark on the dark priest as Ash casts Silence centered on the sarcophagus.  Barundar utterly destroys the last remaining paladin with a crossbow bolt to the balls [for the THIRD genitalia joke in the write-up!].

The dark priest slides out of the cone of silence and attacks Ash, causing his skin to split with a Cause Wounds spell.  Amon casts Burning Hands but the priest is able to avoid the bulk of the flames.

The acolytes focus attention on Myles, but one is immediately killed by a crit from Darius.  The second acolyte gets knocked by the Hammer of Lathander.  Ash then casts Sacred Flame on the dark priest.

The priest attempts to sneak away from Myles, but Myles cuts him in half with his opportunity attack.  As the priest’s body slides off his legs and lands in a burning crate, Myles meets Ash’s gaze and says, “Looks like he had to… Split.”  Myles then spins around and stabs the remaining acolyte in the heart.  Running low on catch phrases, he says, “Uh…..him too!”


Amon rushes to the dark priest and pulls his top half out of the fire.  He then runs to the sarcophagus and inspects it closely.  The lid appears to be somewhat ajar and, he breathlessly explains that the symbols designate his arch-nemesis [?] the Sand Master.  He looks inside the sarcophagus and sees a canopic jar, which he assumes holds one of the Sand Master’s organs.

As a reminder: The Sand Master is an undead, lich-like wizard far to the South of Redmark.  Amon understands that to destroy the Sand Master all four canopic jars must be gathered together.


As best as the group can deduce, the magical seal meant to enclose the jar was flawed and dark energy eventually leaked out and corrupted the priests and guardians meant to protect it.

Darius finds a remarkable longsword on the bodies of the paladin guards.  The hilt is wrapped in a tough, black leather and a shimmering ivory claw of some sort protrudes from the pommel.  Amon is able to uncover that its markings show that it is especially proficient in fighting dragons.  Myles quickly lays claim to the blade.

Myles reaction to the blade is a bit disturbing.  Charisma is not his strong suit.

Myles reaction to the blade is a bit disturbing. Charisma is not his strong suit.


546 sp – 109 ea.

+4 vs. Dragon Longsword “Trogslayer” +1 vs. everything else – to Myles

Canopic jar containing evil demi-god’s pancreas… [Amon would be warned that prolonged exposure to instruments of great evil has been shown to have grave side effects, including; insomnia, night terrors, restless leg syndrome, tentacle rape, unlucky dice rolls, interdimensional portals and death… if you experience any of these symptoms, consult with your DM immediately.]

As the party heads back to Otemshire, they see another great crowd at the Hanging Tree.  Twilia Ravenwood a famous bounty hunter is touting that she has finally caught the infamous Tyson Always [Myles’ doppelganger that looks a lot like Nic Cage].   As the party passes by, Myles lifts up his mask, revealing an identical face that is marred by concern and confusion.  He looks at his friends and says, “I don’t know what’s going on here, but that’s NOT Tyson…  Apparently there are three of us, and that unlucky chump got plucked for it.”  Putting his mask back on, Myles says gruffly, “I’ve got to get to the bottom of this and figure out why there are so many of me running around…”

...just what the world needed...

…just what the world needed…