3/20/2014 Session: “He’s the prettiest man I’ve ever seen…”

Missing – Stan [So you KNOW we’re gonna start some shit…]

As we last left the party, they had just returned to Otemshire triumphantly.  However, the town’s ticker tape supply was already used on Twila Moonraven, a bounty hunter that has harassed Myles in the past in search of Tyson “The Terrible” Alway.  Twila stands before a chanting crowd with a man that looks remarkably like Myles claiming that she has finally caught the infamous bandit, the only problem being that Myles is almost certain that the trembling, frail man in the stockade is not Tyson, despite his resemblance to our favorite fighter…

Cletus huffs in anger as “his moment” is stolen by Twila.  Myles rides up aside him, waving to the crowd.  [Paul wants only to roll to intimidate the weasel, but flubs the roll vs. Cletus as usual…] Having no daggers, he places a hard piece of bread in Cletus’ ribs and tells him that they need to get the prisoner alone to ask him a few questions.  The wimpy sheriff sits upright in his saddle before noticing the object in his side is remarkably dull.  He brushes Myles’ hand aside and says that he “will do no such thing” as he rides a bit more extravagantly through the streets of Otemshire hoping to steal some attention from the buxom bounty hunter.

Turns out that Twila is quite well... "equipped"

Turns out that Twila is quite well… “equipped”

After a dual-purpose celebration, the party eventually corners Cletus in an alleyway where Myles again tries to convince him to get “Tyson” away from Twila so they can ask him some

Although Cletus doesn't die like the guy in this gif.

Although Cletus doesn’t die like the guy in this gif.

questions, but Cletus belligerently says no.  Barundar cold cocks him upon Myles’ request and knocks one of Cletus’ front teeth out.  Cletus begins to see things Myles’ way and they agree to accompany Cletus to “Tyson” in the stockade to discuss things with him.  Barundar picks Cletus’ tooth from his knuckles and gives it back to the sheriff half-apologetically.   As they leave, a mass of people are cheering their success at clearing the evil out of the Badlands and Myles throws his arm around Cletus and leads the crowd in cheering Cletus’ accomplishments to rub in the fact that he’s now got a gap in his teeth and can’t show the crowd his pearly whites.  While many of the townsfolk cheer Cletus, the remaining soldiers from the raiding party invariably cheer the party.

Cletus walks to Twila and says through pursed lips that, as the sheriff, he must ownership take the prisoner.  This makes Twila upset but she relents and Cletus escorts “Tyson” to the guard tower, picking up Myles (who was hiding from Twila) on the way.

Amon goes up to woo Twila by conjuring an illusionary rose which she subsequently crushes in her hands saying, “this gesture is as empty as your words…” before attempting to get past him.  Jack and Winston block her way by taking up the whole road.

Amon Charms Person on Twila and [to everyone’s – including Amon’s – great surprise] finds success!  She spins on her feet and is completely enthralled by Amon’s exotic charms.

Smooth moves are not Amon's strong suit.

Smooth moves are not Amon’s strong suit.

[This eventually leads Matt to tell the group about his roommate – the most handsome man in the world – who makes lesbians turn straight and melts the hearts of all the ladies in Matt and Cameron’s cozy, fishing town leaving Matt and Cameron to serve as lampreys, picking up scraps that escape his chiseled jaws.  But, also, Matt has a refrigerator that functions specifically for kegs of beer and has taps through the side, so that’s pretty badass…]

Meanwhile across town, Myles confronts “Tyson”.  The man says he is from Pelor and is a simple tradesman named Willem.  He explains that Twila seduced him as he traveled to Redmark before throwing him in handcuffs and taking him to Otemshire.  Myles looks to Cletus and urges the sheriff to release the man – which [of course] he doesn’t.  Myles turns to Willem and says, “there’s just one thing I can’t make sense of…” as he rips off his mask and revealing that he, too, shares the same face [NicCageFace].

Willem doesn't seem TOO upset about the whole "seducing" part of the story.

Willem doesn’t seem TOO upset about the whole “seducing” part of the story.

Despite her grinding him in the town square, Amon is too nervous to seal the deal with Twila.  He instead takes her to the bar to get a drink at the bar.  Amon spends the time having a serious moral dilemma about whether or not to sleep with her.  He recalls the earlier courses in Wizard College where they taught the Crippohatic Oath which instructs magic uses to abstain from using mind control to pick up [ie, rape] chicks.  Twila practically throws herself on Amon in the middle of the bar.

Twila isn't very subtle.

Twila isn’t very subtle.

A full hour passes and Twila is in mid-sentence, cavorting about with Amon, when a switch flips in her and she completely sobers up and says, “….Where am I?” Amon tries to save the moment, his oath and ethical dilemma falling by the wayside, “Bu-bu-but…. you told me all about your childhood!  I want to help!”  Twila goes through the “morning after” phase [like after you’re blackout drunk and memories take a while to come back] and begins remembering all of the stupid things she’s done and said in the last hour.

Darius maneuvers behind the bewildered – and massively embarrassed – Twila and places his crossbow to the back of her head.  He clicks a bolt into place and says, “I want to help you too… get out of town right now and we won’t have any trouble…”  Twila recognizes Darius and utters, “…Damn you McFoggle…” before standing, straightening [and probably refastening] her skirt and calmly walking out the door [in the painfully obvious rage her gender can muster].

Back in the guard tower, Myles compares life notes with Willem.  The two quickly discover that they have the same birthday and were both raised by “uncles”.  Darius arrives to inform them that Twila has been “dealt with”.  Myles informs him that he’s just in time to help negotiate with Cletus for their reward for saving Otemshire.  Cletus explains that the city brings in a modest amount of gold (several 8-10 thousand sp per month before taxes).

The party spends some time discussing options before deciding to negotiate for; 1) Otemshire to become a safe haven for them in their adventures, and 2) for a nice boat with which they can travel up the coast more quickly.  Cletus agrees but says that releasing Willem will cause an issue for him with the now execution-giddy populous.  He says that, if the party manages to bring back the real Tyson, he can not only provide the party their reward for clearing the Badlands, but also would be able to sweeten the pot.  Myles realizes that the only person who has been on the trail of Tyson is Twila…

What more do a group of adventurers really need?

What more do a group of adventurers really need?

Darius rushes across town to confront Twila and manages to corner her with Barundar and Amon closing off her escape path.  Darius gets her attention and tells her that they share a common interest in catching Tyson.  Darius insinuates that she knew that the man she brought in was not Tyson by bringing up the oddity that she was able to confront “Tyson” in Redmark [when she sent thugs after the party] and Pelor just outside of within only a few weeks…  Darius suggests that Twila follow him to see for herself.

Twila accompanies Darius, Barundar and Amon back to the guard tower.  She walks in the room and sees Willem still in manacles and an unmasked Myles siting in front of him.  [Twila says “WTF”, Myles says “IKR?!”] Myles eventually convinces Twila to join the group in trying to find Tyson.  She tells them that she was tracking down leads in Dahryst when she came across Willem and brought him uneventfully to Otemshire.  The party and Twila agree to set out at first light.

Myles spends the evening filling Willem in on his family life with Ravella, explaining that, “The adventuring like doesn’t leave a lot of time for ‘family life’ or ‘love’ or ‘child care’.”  Despite Willem’s protests, Myles tells him to play off any inconsistencies in his memory as knocks to the head from adventuring deep in the Badlands.  Myles walks Willem to the door of his old house, knocks and runs away leaving New-Myles to meet and greet his “loving” wife.



After saying he was going to get supplies, Barundar covertly heads to the gem shop late in the afternoon.  He is greeted by a different dwarf employee than the old dwarf he and Myles encountered a few days ago and a specific gem Barundar was looking at is now gone.  Barundar asks for the old dwarf, Thraldren Gemsmith, who the employee, Gieli Greengem says is away on business.  Barundar lies, saying that Thraldran is an old friend, and asks what the old “rascal” is up to.  He is informed that Thraldran is in Nargrim (Barundar’s home town) taking a special gem for inspection. [No one else knows what’s going on, why this gem is important, or anything about what Matt’s got up his sleeve.]



Barundar describes the gem he sold to Thraldran and Gieli confirms that that is the gem he took to the guildmaster of the gemsmith guild in Nargrim.  Barundar checks the sale logs and notes that Thraldran didn’t write the special gem into the book and apparently left town right after.  [The curiosity burns!]

The party sets out the next morning and travels through the Badlands, they meet up with Guh-knoll [who is now chief of all gnolls] and get safe passage.  The party parts ways with their gnoll friends and arrives at the river separating the Badlands and Dahyrst and find a ferry crossing.  The river is about 150-200’ across and the ferryman is on the other side.  As the group calls out, Darius sees several arrows fly straight past him from behind.

The party spins around to find a group of elven archers led by a female warrior.  Barundar summons a Hail of Thorns on the leader, striking her and killing one of her troops.  Myles rushes across the battlefield and uses his action surge to attack, dropping the female warrior to the ground.

Darius cloaks into another plane of existence [rolling a 30, the highest roll ever in the campaign] and shoots and kills another archer.

Halflings always have that same shit-eating grin, even when they're being stone cold killers.

Halflings always have that same shit-eating grin, even when they’re being stone cold killers.

Amon [apparently not learning from his mistakes last week] runs forward and casts Burning Hands, killing two and severely burning another in the process.  Amon hears the last remaining elf cursing him in elvish before he sprints away into the woods.  Barundar rushes into the woods behind him to track him into the forest.

Myles turns his attention to the warrior clinging onto life who is lying on the ground spitting up blood and speaking in an ancient elven tongue about “human vermin… you do nothing but take… I hope one day this world destroys you…” before dying.

Myles inspects the bodies and finds;

180 sp – 36sp ea.

A potion that grants ADV on INIT after consuming – Amon takes

Barundar finally catches up to the elf in the forest and shoots him in the leg.  He tracks the trail of blood into a clearing.  As he approaches the elf, dozens of arrows shoot into the ground at his feet.  Barundar freezes, saying, “Ah fuck…” As he realizes that he’s completely surrounded by 30-50 elven warriors.  Looking up he sees houses in the trees and surmises that he’s likely in the center of a militant elf encampment.


I’ve made a HUGE mistake…

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