4/10/2014 Session: “Rise of the rowboatmen” or, “I’d like to see you come on my pro bono…”

Missing: Stan, Matt :(

When we last left the party, they had just waylaid the three Lords of Dahyrst.  A series of ambushes led to the deaths of 300 of the Dahyrst (and hopefully therefore Triumvirate) guards and delivered two of the three lords alive to Bella Bloomthorn for execution.  The party was left standing in a field on the edge of the elven forest surrounded by the corpses of fallen guards.


After many moments discussing the morality of their actions, the party decides to move along.  Barundar struggles to mount his horse saddle saying, “I don’t give a piss about what it took, at least that fungus is out of my lungs and I can taste again, now, where’s the closest tavern?” before promptly slumping forward and passing out.

The metal chair was actually a rock, but you get the idea.

The metal chair was actually a rock, but you get the idea.

The party decides that heading back to Dahyrst would be a bad idea after killing almost all of the guards and leaving the city understaffed to prevent a [likely violent] revolt at the height of a festival and so heads Southward towards Otemshire.  Myles removes Tyson’s armor and helmet and finds the corpse of the most mangled guard to place it on before leaving.  [Okay, maybe he asks Ash to bash one’s face in a bit with his mace…]

The group recovers the bloodied and beaten Tyson from wherever they stashed him, tie his hands tightly with rope and place a sack on his head.  They then ride the few days’ ride back to Otemshire without incident.

Just outside of town, Twila stops the group and begins to negotiate with the party… Figuring that, without her, the party would have never captured Tyson, she demands half of whatever reward Cletus has in store for the group.  “Like hell!” Darius shouts, “I could have killed you, your reward is your life.”  Not taking it that far, Myles reminds Twila that she obviously would have had no chance at capturing Tyson since she couldn’t even tell him apart from Willem.  Amon jumps in and says, “Plus, you never returned the reward you got from Cletus for turning Willem in in the first place!”

Unfortunately for Amon, this does nothing to score him any points with his wanna-be lady and she informs him that she never got a reward for turning in Willem because the party interrupted the ceremony.  Frustrated, Twila throws her hands in the air and says, “What, so I came on this job pro bono?” [At this point, Cameron had missed like 10 opportunities for crude, dick jokes throughout the session, so Paul decided to knock one out of the park for him, saying, “I’d like to see you come on my pro-bono” in his best Amon voice.]  Myles calms Twila’s nerves and assures her that she will be compensated for her time and contribution towards capturing Tyson.

The party marches Tyson through the streets and to the guard post, where they kick in the door and demand an audience with Cletus, who eventually floats his way down to meet themCletus reveals that he’s shocked to see them so soon [it’s only been like a week since we left and we already came back with him].  Darius forces Tyson to his knees and rips the bag off of his head, revealing the NicCageFace.  Cletus asks, “Before I reward you, how can I be sure that this is the real Tyson?”

Look at all those Myles clones....

Look at all those Myles clones….

Sensing he has very little to lose, Tyson’s bloodstained mouth smirks revealing a number of broken teeth.  Pointing with a restrained elbow towards Myles, he says, “I dunno… it could be that guy…”  Myles places a boot on the side of Tyson’s shattered face and gives him a solid push to the ground.  Foot planted triumphantly on the neck of his greatest foe, Myles glares at Cletus and demands their reward.

Cletus relents and scurries away to his desk and tabulates for a while.  After a few moments he announces the party’s reward for returning the real Tyson Alway more or less in one piece; 600gp.

Immediately all forms of discourse among the group fall to shambles under the weight of greed and a huddle is formed as the party argues over the gold.  Darius begins the negotiation claiming that the loot should be split 9 ways [including Winston, Qian Ban and Jack as full members, fat freaking chance].  Amon says, “Let’s tell Twila that we’re splitting it 9 ways, then after she takes 1/9th, we’ll actually split it 5 ways!” before actually realizing that Twila is in the huddle.  After some time, the party decides to do the most fair thing and split it 6 ways, giving Twila a full share.

Darius says, "Twila is right HERE, Amon... Look, your arm is around HER shoulder in the huddle!"

Darius says, “Twila is right HERE, Amon… Look, your arm is around HER shoulder in the huddle!”

Twila begrudgingly agrees.  She thanks Myles [who’s suggestion it was to give her a full share] and, stopping just short of apologizing for having hunted him for so long turns to leave.  Finding Amon in her way, she gives him one final disgusted snarl before shoving him aside.  Everyone enjoys the view as she stomps her way past, boobs all-a-jiggle.


600gp – 100gp [for Twila] = 500gp; 100gp/ea divided amongst platinum, gold and silver coins

After Twila leaves, the party reminds Cletus that he owes them a boat and a safehouse as reward for clearing the Badlands.  The party soon comes to learn that the cost of maintaining a boat is really high.  Cletus explains these costs to them as they walk through the town towards the docks.

What da fuq... Who knew it was so friggin' expensive!?

On a more positive note, the boat comes complete with 4 ballistas.

Before them at the dock is a relatively small, brigantine-type transport ship.  Cletus explains that it can hold around 10,000gp worth of trade goods  and will require a crew.

Faced with the cost of upkeep, the party decides to invest their newly found fortune in items to sell for a profit in the great white north.  They buy 500gp worth of local specialties that will go for a premium in a barbarian village like;

Hardy foodstuffs, fabrics, metal ores, various trinkets that may be rarer up north, 2 great axes and 3 mauls.

Myles suddenly remembers the magical arrows he found and has Amon identify them.  As it turns out they are +1 to everything and +3 to magic-immune enemies.

As the party heads from the docks to the inn, Myles sneaks away to check in on Ravella and Willem.  Peeking in the window he sees a picturesque family dinner.  Ravella barks orders at Willem who dutifully serves his queen, the children bound into the room and hug their “dad” crying out how happy they are that he’s finally home.  Outside the window, a chilly sea breeze blows against Myles’ scarred and rugged face.  He emits a heavy sigh that fogs his view of the happy family.  He seems to struggle with a thought for a brief moment before perking straight up and running back to the main road to rejoin his friends.



[It is at this point that Nathan and Paul realize that Myles has pretty much run out of NPC connections.  He beat Tyson, his main enemy, almost befriended Twila, his pursuer and literally gave away his wife… Aside from his old captain, Myles is a total loner.]

Arriving at the inn, the party is soon greeted by a number of guards who address them as “the real heroes of Otemshire” and buy them rounds of drinks for saving the city from the evil of the Badlands.  Amon steps forward and leads the bar in a chant…

“Who wants to make some money!?” (wild, drunken cheers)

“Who wants glory!?” (raucous screaming)


Across the now silent, confused bar, Darius spots a tall, redheaded woman laughing at Amon’s spectacle.  Her tri-cornered hat and the parrot resting on her shoulder indicate to him that she might be a captain suitable for their journey.  Darius chats her up for a bit, complementing her “bird”.  The two do the verbal dance of two seasoned professionals; he wowing her with stories from his days in “waste management”.  She thrilling him with stories of her exploits in “logistics”.

Darius eventually gets down to the brass tax and asks if she is a captain.  She asks him if the parrot gave it away.  Darius decides to test her with a word problem, “Suppose a boat left dock at 7am and the wind was out of the SSW at 10 mph…”  When she corrects him that wind speed is measured in “knots”, Darius promptly tells her that she’s hired.

She goes on to explain that she’s got a crew, but that “natural disasters” and pirates have robbed her of her ship.  When Darius asks her what sorts of “natural disasters” she ran into and the captain explains that her ship was badly damaged by a series of rogue waves off the shore of Wenshire a few weeks prior.  Amon and Myles had just been approaching the table she Darius and the captain were sitting and they heard her tell this story.  The two quickly retreat back to the bar.

"Ohhh hey, what's going on over he-nevermind."

“Ohhh hey, what’s going on over he-nevermind.”

Darius and the lady quickly negotiate on her pay and she finally reveals herself to be Captain Gracie O’Malley and that she and her crew will meet the party at their boat at first light.

[The boat’s speed is 90 miles, 3 hexes/day at peak crew]

The party sets a course towards Reyshire to the Northwest of Pelor.  As they approach the dock they find a very upset Gracie O’Malley surrounded by a few dozen men.  She rushes towards Darius screaming, “This is MY BOAT, how did you get MY BOAT?”  Myles throws the burlap sack containing Renaldo’s body over his shoulder and pushes past Gracie and walks up the gangplank and onto the newly re-named “RENADLO’S RAGE”.  He says, “Take it up with Cletus the next time we’re in town.”

As Darius goes to board the boat, Gracie stops him with a set of rolled up papers.  Darius inspects the papers and finds them to be a rather comprehensive and well-drafted contract.  He looks up at the captain and says, “ ‘ey, you know what, O’Malley?  You’re a good person… you didn’t even try to hoodwink us on the contract.”  Gracie laughs and responds, “I would say it takes one to know one, but we both know that isn’t true.”  A second, buxom lady boards the ship and is introduced as Gracie’s sister, Mercy O’Malley, the first mate[ron].

After four uneventful days at sea, the Renaldo’s Rage approaches the port of Reyshire.  Mercy calls down from the crow’s nest that a ship is approaching from their port side.  Gracie takes evasive maneuvers and an eagle-eyed gunner is able to spot wreckage of another boat and a number of people floating in the water.  Myles and the crew immediately start fishing people out of the water and are able to grab 9 of the 20 by the time the second ship sets upon the party.

When Nathan said the boat was crawling with kobolds, we thought it was a metaphor... it was not a metaphor.

When Nathan said the boat was crawling with kobolds, we thought it was a metaphor… it was not a metaphor.

As the boat approaches, Gracie looks through her spyglass and cries out that the boat is crawling with Kobold pirates.  The party immediately sets about shooting the Kobolds.  Darius and Myles drop two each and Amon sets the ship’s masts ablaze and kills a single kobold.

As the boat draws closer, Myles shoots three more kobolds, Amon sends forth a set of magic missiles, dropping  another three kobolds.  The ballista gunners shoot into the crowded kobold pirate ship and manage to knock two of the reptiles off of the boat.

The kobolds reveal a series of their own ballistas and they release a bolt directly into the hull of the Renaldo’s Rage.  The jostling of the boat rocks Darius, but his bolt still manages to kill four kobolds.

The kobolds on the pirate ship begin to reel in a rope tied to the ballista bolt lodged in the side of the party’s boat, drawing the Renaldo’s Rage directly alongside.  A large group of Kobolds jump across and begin to assault Gracie and the ballista gunners on the bow of the ship.

Myles jumps across to the pirate ship and attacks and kills a single kobold.  Using his action surge [ohhh no] he crit fails and [AGAIN, for the second session in a row!] launches his sword across the boat.  [But for the grace of Nathan, the sword would have been lost to the depths of the sea… thankfully he accepted Paul’s logic that Myles really swung hard, and the sword was able to lodge itself in the side of the Renaldo’s Rage.]



[Paul excuses himself to change his pants.]

Volleys of ballista rounds and a devastating Flaming Hands from Amon kill a great number of the remaining pirates.

Meanwhile, the kobolds on the party’s ship manage to kill the two bow-gunners and drop Macie to the deck.  A kobold takes hold of the wheel of the Renaldo’s Rage.  Despite the deaths of many of his friends, the kobold hoots and hollers in excitement.

Meanwhile, back on the pirate ship, two somewhat more imposing kobolds appear and attack Myles.  The first, an alchemist, lobs a container at him, coating him in a sticky liquid at him and the second, a slinger, throws a bottle of red liquid at him that explodes into fire.  Myles quickly finds himself disarmed, slowed and on fire on an enemy boat.

As Myles trudges across the boat and wrenches his sword from the side of the boat, Amon and Darius kill many of the remaining kobolds on the party’s boat.  As he contemplates his actions, two more kobold commandos come up from below and attack him with small knives, one stabbing him in the back.

"Just getting my sword."

“Just getting my sword.”

The final kobold on the party’s boat rushes to attack Amon, but biffs and flies off the side of the boat instead.  Amon rushes to Gracie’s aid and heals her.

The alchemist frenzies the two commandos, but Darius quickly shoots one right in the face as Myles attacks and wounds the second before springing away to let the red-shirted gunner impale the final commando with a ballista bolt.

Unfortunately for redshirt, this draws the attention of the slinger, and he is quickly poisoned to death by a green vial lobbed by the kobold.  The alchemist throws a potion on the ground and quickly escapes [to where, no one knows because he was on a boat] behind a thick, blue-grey fog.

The Red Shirt was everyone's favorite.

The Red Shirt was everyone’s favorite.

Darius gives Mercy a wink and runs to a ballista and tries to impress her by killing the final kobold.  Instead, he almost kills Myles in the process.

Myles and Amon both attack the slinger kobold, but he is able to escape into the sea.  When the party last sees him, he is swimming away into the open ocean.  Myles arches an arrow into his leg as he swims away.

The party quickly recovers the remaining 11 people still floating in the water nearby before searching the vessel for loot.  One of the men pulled from the water identifies himself as one Captain Saldu.  After he looks through those recovered, he goes into a frenzy, asking everyone about his daughter’s whereabouts.



10gp worth of gems

A strange wand

A small velvet lined box with a small white sphere

Two heavily damaged ships, many dead crew members and precisely one, gravely wounded captain.

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